Monday, July 16, 2007

loose poop

So, say, for the sake of argument, and of course totally hypothetically speaking, that you had a guest in your home who barfed on your duvet and your deeply discounted, but still brand new, area rug in the kitchen, made your downstairs carpet into a multi-hued canvas in the style of Georges Seurat using the largely over-looked media of loose stool and urine in addition to possessing the ability to create lung threatening clouds of noxious gas wherever she came to rest? Would you let her stay, or unceremoniously ask her to get her skanky dog butt out of your house and hit the mean streets with that business? Or, as I have contemplated, would you secretly put her in a kennel for the remainder of the week and then play it all innocent like when her ride comes to take her back home next weekend?

Oh good hell, Stewart’s dog Gladys is the houseguest from hell. She stayed with us a few months ago and was a relatively good guest even though she was a most prodigious pooper. I had to take the blame for that because I unthinkingly left the baggie full of Milk Bones where she could get at it and talk about adding bulk to a dog’s diet, oh boy. I wasn’t thinking that Gladys would, you know, even get into the bag at all, such bad manners, and I was even more floored that she would eat them all up at one time exhibiting no doggie self-control. My tiny animule dog can make one mini Milk Bone last for days as she carries the increasingly smaller nub from room to room, leaving a trail of crumbs so she can find her way back. Gladys horks down anything in her path and doesn’t ever look back. And after conferring with friends, the horking and gobbling are more typical dog behaviors to which I say, who knew? All I have for comparison is my dainty 6-pound nibbler/bruiser and I just wasn’t prepared for Gladys' reaction to an unprotected stash of Milk Bones. She could have at least saved a few for the end of the week, don't you think? I have no explanation for the current tummy troubles, she hasn’t over eaten and it doesn’t appear that she found any illicit yummies but in a house full of kids, that can never be completely ruled out. She is chipper and Schnauzer-happy, doesn’t act at all ill, I have no explanation for my ruined carpet.

Oh well, I needed to have the carpet cleaners come and deal with the bad stains in the girls’ room, now I can get the three-room and a hallway special and feel like I’m getting a bargain. She sleeps in her crate tonight by damn and her flirty brown eyes won’t sway me. I know she only wants me for my clean duvet cover, skank.


Anonymous said...


I have nothing new to say about one of your posts.

They crack me up. Always have. But this one?

Seriously, like I'm gonna have an asthsma attack, running the laptop from person to person in my fam, reading my fave parts, waiting for them to laugh along.

Never have a heard of a dog named Gladys. Never have I heard a dog called skank.

You are beyond funny, but I don't have a word for that, so once crack me up, will have to do.

In appreciation for the humor and sorrow for your poor carpet,

(from Iowa)

Yes, Minister... said...

LOL ~ I would strap the dog to the top of Dan's car and go to the nearest kennel, and then retrieve a day before her owner comes home. I just don't do creatures :D

I have to LOL about your carpet as we have just had the carpet saga from he!! :D Go about two weeks back on my blog ~ three rooms and hall ~ just make sure you don't have berber and need deep cleaning! Our carpet saga finally ended on Sunday! It was a chu - ching moment, but dang, short of replacing 18-old carpet, it was worth it! Now I am armed with a Smith and Wesson if anyone tries to walk on it with shoes on :D

Marny in Maryland said...

Marji --

What a great, funny post about an unfunny subject!

As for the source of her "distress", is she eating your pup's food? Some dogs don't tolerate a change of diet well.

FEeding rice, chicken or egg, and yogurt will usually solve the problem, if you feel like cooking for a doggy interloper!

Good luck!


Anonymous said...

Horking??? Horking??? What a wonderful new word. Kind of like a doggy wood chipper - it all goes in the hole, and then it all comes out the hole...

Sympathies for your new carpet...

Gamma Jean

ps - how the heck does Stewart live with Gladys?? Or is it a case of "my baby is perfect"?