Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Sharing the Joy

A local family (mom and older brother are making the trip) are in Guangxi RIGHT NOW, even as I type, adopting this stunning beauty. Her name is now Jayne (Jaynie) and she is a contemporary of Nora's, there is only a few months difference in their ages. Unfortunately, Jaynie sat on the back burners longer than Nora had to wait for whatever the hell reasoning goes behind whose files the SWI prepares and sends to the CCAA in what order and when.

And from all reports, Jaynie is having a smooth transition, no trauma, no terror, so far and I wish them all continuing ease as they learn to love each other.

And typing this reminds me to mention that I am a fraud. I get nods from folks thanking me for my honesty about the sometime rocky road to attachment in adoption, but I'm not that honest. I don't want anyone to worry about Nora or think that I'm a monster mom and that Nora should be removed from my home so that she can get the kind of parent she deserves, that all children deserve. I do keep my own counsel a little bit, which you wouldn't really suspect considering I spill on an open blog all the time.

But I read the piece I submitted to Love's Journey 2 from the day in Nanning when I stepped between Nora and an elephant with a head cold and tried to write about how I knew my feeling for Nora would grow and I would learn to love her as much as I drool and fawn over my other three. That I was confident that I would reach the same peak of adoration and all would be right with the world. Well, I haven't. I love that little girl and I would take a bullet/bus/runaway cement truck for her, but maybe not on a day when her behaviors had stomped all over my last nerve and I just look at her and think, when? when little girl? what next? how do we get past this? when do the flood gates open because waiting for erosion/gravity/tiny spoonfuls is hard, not impossible, but hard.

I actually gave in and let my mother take Nora last weekend under the guise of giving Nora a Grandma weekend (all the other girls have had opportunities to stay at g'ma's house without the other three) when the truth was, I needed a non-Nora weekend for myself. Almost two years into our relationship and I needed respite care and not because she did anything that outrageous, but just the accumulation of small annoyances that builds up and I just needed. Away. And I won't lie, it was pretty nice with just the first three because they are so easy to be around, so easy to parent, falling off a log, hands tied behind my back easy to parent, you get the picture. Although, objectively, there is nothing in particular that I can point to that Nora does that is not absolutely consistent with ordinary, run-of-the-mill six-year-old (slightly immature) behavior. She tries hard to meet my expectations, but what six-year-old can mind their p's and q's 24/7? When Mimi and YuYu are tired or crabby and not completely compliant, I don't get freaked out by that in any way, I roll with it, that's what I do. Maybe because I can't predict when Nora is going to lose it, not related to sleep or blood sugar, and I'm on guard all the time for the WHAM: well here's an inappropriate behavior exhibiting a lack of impulse control, the tension builds and I over react.

I really need to loosen up. And I have. I bribe Nora with good things so that she will behave at school and I have recently been dangling a trip to the movie house to see Disney's new princess movie that's out in a few days, love the hype. Nora messed up at school on Monday (after 5 consecutive good days) and I backed down because I realized the punishment (leaving her home with a sitter) would be way too harsh. She helped me fold and put away clothes to earn back her good to go status. I'm not completely uneducable, but close.

So, as we move into a 5-day holiday where I am expected to be a full-time parent and cannot escape to my office like I usually do, wish us luck. Just as I wish Jaynie and her new family all the best as they celebrate their first turkey feast (minus the turkey, substitue the dumplings) together in Guilin.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It really does seem unfair that some kids are so hard for some parents to love. What constantly amazes me is that there is always one kid that is hard for some parent, but that same kind of kid is easy for another parent. Why??? Oh, maybe because we're all different??? Me, I like 2 year olds and teens, and find babies, well, boring. Teens drive most parents nuts. Who knows? In any case, Marji, you are doing a fabulous job by my standards. (My minimum daily standard is "No one died." I generally meet my standard... :)

Love to all,
Gamma Jean